If game studios were people, and those people were your friends, you’d think long and hard about which ones to invite to your party. At this fantasy party Nintendo would be drinking a cocktail, holding a dozen conversations at once and generally being a young, healthy person, telling politically correct but very funny jokes. Capcom would be wearing a bandana and espousing the virtues of Thundercats to Sony, the sweaty uncomfortable nerd trying to act aloof. In a slick suit with a big false grin EA would be giving a toast, and Rockstar… well, Rockstar wouldn’t be invited. I imagine he has a handlebar moustache and big aviator shades, and has been known to get wasted, throw up everywhere and try his luck with the lovely Square Enix.
The past few weeks Rockstar have been causing drama, and not only in my insane imagination. On the contrary, they’ve been upsetting people left right and centre. Every upset revolves around the impending release (by the time you read this it’ll be out) of the first episode of downloadable content for Grand Theft Auto 4. Titled ‘The Lost and the Damned’ this expansion lets you control the motorcycle gang from the original game, and play through an all-new story based around their murderous exploits and curb-stomping adventures. Good news, right? Well sort of. The expansion is only available to download on Xbox 360, leaving Sony feeling a little cold. Microsoft reputedly paid 50 million dollars for exclusive rights to the game, and so yet again Sony are left empty handed, leaving PS3 owners feeling a little short changed.
To get a handle on this, consider Rockstar’s history with Sony. The Grand Theft Auto franchise has traditionally been at home on the Playstation, give or take the odd gameboy port. At the very least every game up until GTA4 was released to Sony before being ported to other platforms. Bringing the fourth instalment out on 360 and PS3 simultaneously was a move that garnered controversy from the Sony corner, and plunged the internet into a flamewar the likes of which had never been seen. (This mostly consisted of screenshot analysis to discover which platform would get a better draw distance and a higher-res textures) Apparently those Sony fanboys were right to be suspicious, as what was once a killer app for their platform has now sided with Microsoft. This is doubly frustrating for Sony as they pride themselves (quite rightly) on their online section. They have new DLC (downloadable content, make a note of it) for Little Big Planet every week, they don’t charge for demos, they have Playstation Home, and most importantly you pay for things in Euros, Pounds and Dollars, not ridiculous middle-man currencies like ‘Microsoft Points’ which can only be purchased in blocks of a hundred million.
People who like the GTA series are people who like Playstations. They’ve gone hand in hand for so long that if the Human Genome Project found the gene that coded for Playstation purchasing, they’d probably find it also coded for a love of sandbox mayhem and an affection for running over prostitutes. Sure, GTA4 on the Xbox will draw in legions of new fans, but this departure from Sony will be interpreted as a huge kick in the teeth to all those who followed the franchise from the very beginning, and even did something as crazy as buying a PS3 to try and keep up.
The Lost and the Damned will feature male full frontal nudity. This has not only upset all the usual outspoken pressure groups, but has offended the sensibilities of critics reviewing an early version of the expansion. It has been branded a cheap publicity stunt by some, whilst others claim it adds nothing to the gaming experience. (Obviously not quite true, it adds male nudity) The in-the-buff action is limited to one cutscene, which if you are so inclined, you can find on Youtube. (I would offer a link but the videos keep being taken down) For the less curious all you need know is that the Euphoria engine manages to control those tricky genital-physics with aplomb.
Lastly and most importantly Rockstar have upset me this week because ‘The Lost and the Damned’ still doesn’t feature any jetpacks. What on Earth is the point in a fully explorable sandbox world if I have no way of getting onto the roofs of skyscrapers?! This highlights a fundamental misunderstanding on Rockstar’s part, in thinking that the joy of the GTA games is watching your character go through a character building gritty adventure and come out the other end a little richer and wiser for the experience. Rather the joy of the GTA games is turning on all the cheats and flying a tank around the city, crushing hapless citizens by spawning hundreds more tanks in your wake. It’s taking a jetpack up to the top of the highest building, turning on the no-reload cheat and jumping off, using the rocket launcher to hilariously propel your corpse miles across town. It’s turning the gravity down and throwing people off the tops of mountains, then hijacking a jumbo jet to fly into them before they can hit the ground, and using spawn cheats to create a ramp made of cars on top of buildings that you can drive a motorbike off, bail in mid-air and land headfirst on a family enjoying a picnic in the park. In GTA4 none of these things were possible, and The Lost and the Damned does nothing to improve upon this relative lack of freedom. Rockstar, sort yourself out, stop upsetting everyone and maybe, just maybe, you’ll get invited to my murder-mystery cocktail evening.
